Learning the Rules

I was 21 when I had broke it off with my fiance. He was my first. I can remember crying the first time he entered me on the living room floor of my grandmother's house late one night. I was watching it for her while she was away, it was the first time we could be alone without the parent element threatening every cracked bedroom door. I had made him wait, and he did so very sweetly. I was nervous, I was going to hell if I did this, but I loved him, and he loved me,so it made it okay. He wanted to marry me, he asked me to be his wife after only being together for two weeks. I laughed at him then told him was nuts, but here I was on my back, getting a slight case of carpet burn on my back while my boyfriend forced his (though I didn't know it at the time) large cock inside me. God it hurt, there was a feeling of tearing, my whole body was shaking. I bit my lips and whimpered like a lost puppy. After the first few minutes it got easier, I got wetter. I had no idea what was happening to me. All I could do was dig my nails in and hold on as tight as I could and wait. I relaxed a bit my body still shivering it was so over whelming, I didn't cum per say, I had no idea what an orgasm felt like? I had never touched myself to know what one would feel like on my own let alone a shared one with a partner. Now looking back it wasn't any kind of traditional orgasm I am familiar with now, but it was something, I cried and shook. Was this what love felt like? This completely over whelming and consuming sensation of two people trying to force themselves into one body?

I scared him, he didn't know I was crying. I had bit it back behind blistered lips and puppy like whimpers. My tears made him cry. He begged for forgiveness, he never meant to hurt me, he never wanted to hurt me. He cradled himself in my lap trying to disappear, rocking, holding me, kissing my flesh begging me to tell him it was okay. I wiped my teas and told him I was fine, it only hurt for a little bit and that they where just tears of joy and over whelmed sensation. He had done a fine job I did enjoy myself and more than anything, the tiny thing I tucked away and kept for myself.That pain, the feeling of his length and girth stretching and tearing at me, hitting the back of my pussy like a giant iron cast door knocker did hurt, but it hurt in the strangest and most delicious way, and then I was curious and need to find out more.

After three years and a lot of empty promises, I found myself no longer loving my partner. I didn't miss his presents when he was away. His touch didn't thrill, his voice didn't ring in my ears or make me smile. I took to just jerking him off when he was horny. I would lay next to him, lightly moaning and rubbing against his thigh. It kept him appeased and let me off the hook. I left him and moved back home. 21 and living back with my parents not my best moment but it was better then where I had been. I found myself revisiting a few old web boards my ex had introduced me too. WBS for any of you old school web surfers of yore. I was greeted by some old familiar handles, it was nice and of course stared coming across some new ones as well. One in particular was very fascinating and a fast friendship was crafted.  

A Player is Born

                      A Player is Born:

It was all innocent enough, he was an old, although some what notorious, acquaintance of my group of friends, who had found their way back after years of hiding away under a rock working on school. I had heard the name, I think we even worked at the same mall for a time, years ago? I was working on the admin side of a new campaign that some of my buddies where putting together. He was brought in for some advisory help. We worked mostly through the website message boards for brain storming and the like. He liked some of my ideas, his banter was witty. This went back and forth for a bit till there was a BBQ to be held  at the Bhouse, and I invited him to come out and be part of society again, he obliged, it was nice. He was shorter than I expected with a face that was deceptively younger than what you would think, until you got a little closer and you could see the laugh lines at the corners of his eyes. His eyes were a crazy hazel color they change shifted so quickly with his mood, and most importantly they dilated when they saw me. We laughed over beers and got to know each other a bit. We agreed to coffee next week which lead to hanging out at his place for a movie a few days later. A movie became a make out session that soon turned into all the sticky fingered activities your demented little minds can come up with, and maybe then some. He was my first after the half decade long relationship I had just left not that long ago. Being with him was surprising it's like I had forgotten what passion was like, the hunger and excitement you feel when you are with someone new. There were new touches and positions and most of all there was this energy! This would be the first time that I had ever felt something like that, I was still fairly naive to to the different kinds of love making at the time or play or non ordinary sex if you will. My world was still fairly vanilla with only the slightest hints of red, black and blue sprinkled on top. I had talked a good a game, but then again I could always weave a beautifully colorful tale from my more than flesh filled mind, but my physical world was still very much black and white with a mere 15 shades a gray. I had only just begun to understand my own personal power and energy and how to use it with just my own mean of focus, but to feel someone else use it on me during sex? Fuck me, no really please do that again.

After two or three rounds of this sort of thing talking was a must. I at this point and time I had not done much in the way of casual encounters, with out them usually becoming something more serous and usually very quickly at that. It was either poof they moved there TV into my house and I guess er were dating, of the real poof of smoke and mirrors and I never saw them again. I knew I wasn't really ready for something permanent. After six years of a gilded cage, I wasn't quite ready to be cooped up again, no matter how nice it felt to feel passion again. The oh so very tiny bit of a good little christian girl that still poked the almighty guilt stick into my chest was rearing her pain in the ass little head. So we talk and we agree that there is no use in being "together" in any sort of a committed fashion, he had to dedicate his time to school and focus on the final goal, I was fragile and still trying to figure out who I was after being newly single and getting back to just being me. So it was agreed we were to be friends who enjoy in the sweet decadence of carnal flesh from time to time, with the one rule... If either one was to start seeing someone else that that person would tell the other out of respect, common courtesy and well fucking safety to be honest. Simple right, there should be no problem with maintaining this, is just one simple rule and the back bone of it being, just be fucking honest... Or so I thought.

So time flew by and day visits turned into nights with warm bubble baths drawn, dinner to eat, wine to drink fallowed by coffee and a kiss before getting a pat on the bum on my way out to work. A few days a week we would play out our little scenes, it was our ritual, it was fun and it wasn't even always about sex? Some days we would just geek out on movies or tech and laugh, sharing our history and our thoughts on the future. It was becoming comfortable... Almost too comfortable. I'd never been use to being treated almost like a princess.

There was a fire set and he began to fan it with curious ideas of things that were always just mysterious idea to me and even a little scary I could hear the screams of the little christian girl again running for her life as smile crept across my lips and face was flushed with blood. Temptations from my past started to come back and haunt my present while possibly sneaking into reality and no longer just being some fictional fantasy fueled by strangers. They were strong suggestions being placed before me by my now lover. . 

In the Beginning

I can recall the first time I ever caught myself spewing out the phrase, "Don't hate the Player, hate the Game", I laughed so hard I snorted and then nearly peed because I was laughing so hard. I couldn't believe I just fucking blurted that out?! Was I actually a "Player" I mean I had a nice list of lovers and a fairly busy social life, but did that really make me a player? I went home that night and picked up my old journal, the little black book of conquests, wild and sometimes wet nights the turned into days... I read back to the beginning and I realized, It wasn't till I came face to face with a real "player" and managed to beat him at his own game with out really knowing it ,that I came to understand my own instinctual strengths in the game of seduction.

I was a late bloomer if you will. Kept in check by my religious upbringing I was scared to death of sex. It was already bad enough that I was an artist by nature but to have these urges, the feelings of want and knowing that they were just one more brick in the basket of tipping me into hell, I kept myself under wraps in the hopes to keep myself from a after life of damnation. Hell my first kiss wasn't till I was 16 (painfully cliche I know fucking blame Molly Ringwald) even then I was asked by my kissing partner, "are you sure you've never done this before?". It was to be the first time of many to fallow of similar accusations.  When I was finally unfurled I found my instincts where stronger than I could have ever imagined. It wouldn't be till much later on and after two failed committed/monogamous relationships that I would truly find out how strong those natural instincts really were.

I look back and recall my first boy friend teasing me as he says, "you just ooze sex and you just need to deal with it" I didn't get it then and I wouldn't get it till that day when I came face to face with a real "player" a true PUA. He wasn't my "type" there wasn't much about him physically that would have drawn me to him, but there was something later I would finally understand it was his confidence and charisma that's what sucked me in. I caught him off guard, I would find out  afterwards that he never thought I would consider him. Then again like I mention in a way I wouldn't have but there was something about him. So we entered an adventure that would build me, break me, and make me become someone the 18 year old me could have only dreamed of.

Getting the ball rolling

I've been asked about my fetish preference and "what am I into..." things of this sort. I can't begin to start building that list, and not because I'm an out of control kinkster with a list as long as your arm of all the things I would want or need done to me to get off, it's nothing quite like that at all. It's just, the one and only true "fetish" I have, is turning my lover on and what ever that happens to be (within reason) I'll pry be more than willing to do. I can hear a lot of deep sighs and ya so what is so big about that so your some kind of "sub" blah blah. Guess what,I'm not really a Sub I mean I can play that for you and don't get me wrong I like to turn over the reigns and not have to worry about a damn thing, but I'm too much of a cocky, smart ass to really every be a true Sub.

What really turns me on though, is seeing my lover get rocked hard as he watches me or sees me doing what it is that he's asked or something I know they like. Seeing their eyes dilate and a smile curl the corner of their lip, their reaching out and wanting to touch me, feel my skin and the goosebumps that form. It is a complete ego trip I will not deny it, and of course one of the reasons I can never be a good Sub, but more than anything I just love too see, hear and feel the pleasure they feel.